Positivity

This will be a long one.. I'm sorry

Give the song a try! It's quite comforting. You can look at the lyrics to understand.

People did question me before, how do I stay so happy or sane despite everything that hit me Truthfully I'm not. There was a huge period of time where I was simply lying to myself to be able to function. Years? I'd put up a front and just smile. By doing that long enough, you're actually able to convince yourself that you're "fine". But of course, you're really not. That was how I used to cope. And that is how I'd always break down over some time and lose all emotional control of myself and thought of just ending it right then and there. The only thing that somewhat restrained myself was my siblings. Someone had to step up and to provide for until they could reach their own independance. I'm all they've got left. As selfish as I am to say this, I hated it, I'm literally giving my own life away for them. Why should I? What about me? Don't I deserve better? Sacrificing my own wants and needs. The bag that I could've saved up for, the restaurant that I wanted to try, the places that I could've been to and all the experiences that I could've went through. It all washed away. Working endlessly, the frustration, jealousy that I have looking at people enjoying the simple things in life, the freedom that I missed out and my own happiness that I'm lacking. I want to be able to get drunk, to be able to make dumb decisions and still be fine, to do whatever I could think of but I can't. I'm not living my own life anymore at this point. The cycle of breaking down kept happening until one day, I really thought to follow through on actually ending it. So I went to a carpark rooftop at night. It was just me and the view below. Then it just hit me, the thoughts of what'll happen next. If I'm not around, how are they able to get by? Would they eat enough? All these questions came in and I realized that I'd just pass down all the troubles to them if I were to disappear The debts, bills, or even the basic necessities to just survive. They're not ready for the burden. As much as I want it all to stop, I just cant bear to see them suffer. On that night itself, I've set a goal, or rather a reminder for me. To endure, to try to live my life to the best I could while shouldering all the problems. I've accepted the environment that I'm in This would be my life now, sure it does suck to be going through this, but it's what I have to do. It's crazy how a change of mindset could affect how everyday goes. Instead of wishing for all of these to end, I actually feel somewhat "alive" and not just pretending to be.

I started to look for things that I could actually obtain. Realisticly of course, Whether it's trying out new food, exploring places I've never been to, listening to new music, a different instant noodle flavor or brand, watching free performances, figuring out new places to fulfill my exhibitionist crave, going to museums, walking to different parks and a whole lot more.

Life is a little bearable now

Whatever struggles you're in, don't lose all hope. I'm sure you can do it. You do not need anyone to believe in you, just trust in yourself. Slowly, day after day, you'll get somewhere. If you're able to, do reach out to people. Being alone does weird things to your mind.. I wrote most of this about three days ago but didn't really have the time to complete and publish this. Stay strong everyone !

- Jaslyn